Where I've Been

I don’t even know where to begin.

It wasn’t my intention to take so much time off from sending the newsletter. On the one hand, there’s only four of you, and there’s no money being exchanged which helps take away some of the guilt. But on the other, I do feel bad! We’re in such a weird time, and I like carving out this space for silliness.

So, a big reason that I took a break was that I moved. If you know me in real life, you know the situation I was in, and things are now much better. In a way, it happened at such a good time. Fall is the best time for a refresh! I’m mostly unpacked. I’ve been able to decorate a little more for Halloween. My heart rate dropped almost instantly once I moved in, all positives!

But even though things have now somewhat settled down, my brain is a mess. I can’t come up with ideas on what I want to write about. Or I’m constantly overthinking how some thoughts will be perceived, so I wind up not saying anything at all! There is still a lot of bad going on in the country, and sometimes I think we focus too much energy on criticizing our allies for not being “good enough” instead of directing it toward the people actively making things worse. But I digress.

I signed up for October’s iteration of Novel Gauntlet, and I’ve already missed two days because I can’t figure out what I want to write about. The newsletter wasn’t the only writing I took a break from: I posted five chapters of my Willabeth fic on AO3! But there’s still more to go that I need to edit and post, and I just feel a buzzing in my head whenever I think about it. Again, it’s somewhat a fear of being perceived (I have a solid ending, but the stuff leading up to that are more like little vignettes, so I don’t know how popular they’ll be!). And how ridiculous does that sound given that the ship is for a franchise over 20 years old, and it’s not like anyone’s going to be outright rude about my fic! I just can’t get my brain to be on the same page when I want to be creative.

Which is also why I feel like this newsletter has been a bit of a wash. My grand plans always kind of start to tank after a while. What I had envisioned to be a deep dive into certain topics has become more of a hodgepodge of randomness. And whatever’s going on in my head isn’t helping. Like I’m not technically in a book slump, but it sort of feels that way because I’m not feeling much connection to anything (sadly, even The Starless Sea, which I am enjoying, but it’s not hitting the same as The Night Circus, and I feel like that’s my fault!). Same with movies and TV.

I don’t know. With all the planner talk and people getting things ready for next year (I purchased a Leuchtturm last week!), I think I keep coming back to changes I want to make going forward with this space. But I’m also so deeply thrown by current events and personal issues, so any promises feel like a waste.

I need to give myself more grace. It’s a continuous process. And I hope you’ll stay with me as I figure things out. Hope you are all doing well.