Things Are A Lot Lately

As the title says, things are a lot lately. On a global scale, the US is a scary place to be, and our leaders are causing problems in other countries as well.

And I’m also dealing with a lot of stuff on a personal level. This has led me to recognize I am in a depressive episode, which happens quite a bit. It’s not a funk, it’s deeper than that at the moment.

While I do have many ways to help my brain during these episodes (meditation, journaling, therapy), I’ve come to realize that when I am THIS DEEP in my ~depression era~ I tend to go toward some weird coping mechanisms. Don’t knock ‘em until you try them.

-Reading: I am always reading to be honest. Prior to the pandemic, I would only read two books at once. Unfortunately, due to my (many) depressive episodes during the heyday of the pandemic, I upped that total to about ten. Yes, you read that correctly, I regularly read ten books at a time. And the amount of books I finish within a month seem to be directly correlated to how my mental health is doing. So, in June, I finished 13 books. Solid.

-Writing Fan Fiction: this one came as a surprise to me. I’ve mentioned before that I wrote fan fiction but that was an activity I started as a tween and somewhat continued through college. Then, adult life took hold and I didn’t write fan fiction anymore. I barely even read fan fiction anymore! But once again, the pandemic messed with my brain and I got the itch again. I posted 16 fics within 2 years, not a lot to be sure, but it was a big deal for me! In an effort to be more creative, I set a challenge for myself beginning in June to write at least 100 words a day to get some of my story ideas out of my brain.

And then it happened. I started playing my 2007 playlist and didn’t even HEAR the song yet, but there’s a song I deeply associate with one of my ships and now, it’s 2025 and I’m writing a modern AU for Pirates of the Caribbean (I guess this shouldn’t be so surprising given my brain rot for the franchise that was restarted back in March). I do wish I didn’t have to associate writing fan fiction with my being depressed, but again brains are stupid.

-Hyperfixations: This one isn’t as tied to depression, but more stressful times. I can look back on how many times I watched a movie in theaters and remember what was going on in my life at the time and why I needed that comfort. A lot of it was college related (Star Trek, Pirates, Iron Man), some of it was job related (Man From U.N.C.L.E., Avengers: Endgame, Spider-Man: Far From Home, ACOTAR, Webtoons). I haven’t fully reached the hyperfixation level this time, but I think it’s also because my brain is all over the place and I can’t figure out WHAT to fixate on! Maybe it’s my nostalgia playlists plunging me into the complicated emotions of those years. Maybe I haven’t found a new movie to make my whole personality yet. But given the pattern, it’s bound to make itself known soon!

How do you deal with depressive episodes? Do you recognize yours and at least try to be productive? I’m hoping I crawl out of this hole soon, but who knows if that will happen. Hope you’re all doing well.