The Struggle of Finding Community As An Adult

This is something I’ve discussed at length with my therapist. And in some ways, I hesitate to post because none of this is meant to shame people in my life or to garner pity for myself. I was merely in a situation the past week that had this on my mind, and in an effort to get back on my posting schedule, here we are.

Making friends (and keeping friends) has long been a struggle for me. Whether it’s my social anxiety or other form of (undiagnosed) neurodivergence, there is something about me that makes it harder to have friends. In school, it was a little easier. You had daily interactions with people and could make plans for the weekend. I’m actually trying to archive my old Livejournal and blogs, so I’m deep in 2004 Gillian’s thoughts regarding friends. Sad to say, not much has changed!

Something that I know happened in the past is still occurring now. How even if I do have friends, I’m excluded from events. It’s always frustrating to figure this out, and it has only gotten worse with social media. Especially when it turns out it was assumed I didn’t want to go instead of having a choice to say no.

But it’s also somewhat fascinating to realize how much hasn’t changed. For instance, at my job, there is a group of woman who used to sit near each other in the office and they became very close. I am friendly with these women and work closely with them, but I am not in their group. I probably will never be in their group. And the other day, during one of my office walks, I stopped by one of their desks and overheard them discussing a get-together that I wasn’t invited to. It never feels good to have this happen. Not only that but that they’re also completely oblivious to how an “outsider” might feel hearing this conversation.

As mentioned, I have discussed this in therapy because whenever I’m made aware of this, I become critical of myself. “Of course, they wouldn’t like me, I’m depressed a lot”, “I’m too negative, no one wants to be around a negative person”, “I don’t like everything they like so what would they talk about with me”. On the one hand, I think this is healthy because I’m not necessarily blaming them for not including me. But on the other, it leads to negative self talk and none of the things I’m listing as “problems” are ones I can easily fix. These things are all part of me (and not only that, some of these women are also negative and opinionated but they express it in “better” ways than I do which must be why they have friends and I do not).

Since moving and having a weight lifted from my mental health, I want to be more social. I found the perfect opportunity the other day. There’s a local chapter of a book club where one member planned a Practical Magic movie night. Perfect. I haven’t done many Halloween activities this year AND I get to meet new people? Win win. And it was really nice! Except once again, I found out how I don’t totally belong with them. They’re all paid members of the book club (I am not, I am cheap) and have attended many events together so there was already a built-in group that I felt like I was intruding. Also, a lot of conversations revolved around partners and pets, and I have neither!

There is nothing in the moment where I feel like these women dislike me. I know I can be a lot, but that’s once you get to know me. Once I start to trust you. First meetings, I tend to be more quiet, will only speak up if I have something to say or my own story to relate to others. I observe. And even that can make people uncomfortable, because most of my observations I will bring up at a later time if I see something mentioned (i.e., a coworker loves raccoons, so whenever I see something raccoon-related, I tell her. Is this weird? Do I make her uncomfortable? I pay attention to people, is this bad???).

I started calling myself an observant outsider because of this. But maybe the better word for it is intruder. I never feel like I will belong in these groups, but I keep trying. Maybe one day, I’ll get there.